I'm nobody's strumpet.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that I will find a generous benefactor who will give me insane amounts of money to use at my leisure simply for being the fantastic creature that is Chelsea.

apparently, my dream is not so unique.

I have been pretty intrigued lately at the fuss about SeekingArrangement.com. if you live under or a rock or don't read any of the Gawker blogs, SeekingArrangement helps people, well, seek arrangement. by arrangement I mean pathetic gold-digging "sugar babies" latching onto rich, lonely, seemingly-sex-starved self-righteous rich jerks. men attach a net worth to themselves, and a monthly "budget" of what they will spend on the right whore lady. in their words:

"An Arrangement is short for 'Mutually Beneficial Relationship' between two people. Such a relationship is usually between an older and wealthy individual who gives a young person expensive gifts or financial assistance in return for friendship, or intimacy."

it's tempting. I am an American. I like clothes. I want a car. I have bills to pay. denying my consumer-driven mentality is about as pretentious and phony as asking somebody rich to finance my lifestyle in exchange for my companionship.

I've always found, though, that being a gold-digger is a question of dignity. either people will take handouts, or they won't. I come from the stock who is too proud to take money, let alone ask for it. unfortunately, I am a big selfish brat. however, this, like all things, has limits. I obviously have never cared about money when it comes to dating. anyone who knows my track record is baffled at how I have only been sexually attracted to poor dudes. I'm even marrying one.

which is why the SeekingArrangement thing just won't settle right with me. it assumes that the greatest currencies in a relationship are money and beauty. that's a sound model, I guess, if you recognize that it's directly related to every advertising ploy in modern society. but it's bullshit if you actually consider that 95% of the population is 1.) not rich and 2.) not beautiful. furthermore, it perpetuates the idea that the best way to get what you want is to fuck someone who has it - money, power, even a discount at the dry cleaners. and anyone with half a brain will tell you - a truly classy lady would never screw for money.

what I always wanted was a charming, fascinating older woman with no children of her own (and, obviously, a small fortune) to take me under her wing. I would visit with her twice a week and drink extra-dry vodka martinis while she warbled about how much I reminded her of herself at my age. then she'd give me $2000 to go buy a nice coat and do something about that god-awful hair, a woman should never let her roots show.

if anybody's got any hookups to lonely old ladies with eccentric accents and no heirs, let me know.