I'm nobody's strumpet.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that I will find a generous benefactor who will give me insane amounts of money to use at my leisure simply for being the fantastic creature that is Chelsea.

apparently, my dream is not so unique.

I have been pretty intrigued lately at the fuss about SeekingArrangement.com. if you live under or a rock or don't read any of the Gawker blogs, SeekingArrangement helps people, well, seek arrangement. by arrangement I mean pathetic gold-digging "sugar babies" latching onto rich, lonely, seemingly-sex-starved self-righteous rich jerks. men attach a net worth to themselves, and a monthly "budget" of what they will spend on the right whore lady. in their words:

"An Arrangement is short for 'Mutually Beneficial Relationship' between two people. Such a relationship is usually between an older and wealthy individual who gives a young person expensive gifts or financial assistance in return for friendship, or intimacy."

it's tempting. I am an American. I like clothes. I want a car. I have bills to pay. denying my consumer-driven mentality is about as pretentious and phony as asking somebody rich to finance my lifestyle in exchange for my companionship.

I've always found, though, that being a gold-digger is a question of dignity. either people will take handouts, or they won't. I come from the stock who is too proud to take money, let alone ask for it. unfortunately, I am a big selfish brat. however, this, like all things, has limits. I obviously have never cared about money when it comes to dating. anyone who knows my track record is baffled at how I have only been sexually attracted to poor dudes. I'm even marrying one.

which is why the SeekingArrangement thing just won't settle right with me. it assumes that the greatest currencies in a relationship are money and beauty. that's a sound model, I guess, if you recognize that it's directly related to every advertising ploy in modern society. but it's bullshit if you actually consider that 95% of the population is 1.) not rich and 2.) not beautiful. furthermore, it perpetuates the idea that the best way to get what you want is to fuck someone who has it - money, power, even a discount at the dry cleaners. and anyone with half a brain will tell you - a truly classy lady would never screw for money.

what I always wanted was a charming, fascinating older woman with no children of her own (and, obviously, a small fortune) to take me under her wing. I would visit with her twice a week and drink extra-dry vodka martinis while she warbled about how much I reminded her of herself at my age. then she'd give me $2000 to go buy a nice coat and do something about that god-awful hair, a woman should never let her roots show.

if anybody's got any hookups to lonely old ladies with eccentric accents and no heirs, let me know.

die ticketmaster, die.

I ain't no hippie. I buy clothes that are most likely made in sweatshops. I enjoy Wendy's chicken nuggets and I've probably unwittingly contributed to the 401(k) of the CEO of R.J. Reynolds. but there are two companies that really infuriate me: Wal-Mart and Ticketmaster.

now, I know that Wal-Mart basically has America by the balls. I know that there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of towns across America that base their entire economy on their local Wal-Mart: where everyone works and everyone shops. and though I find their employment policies discriminatory and sexist (and I am rooting for the million-strong class action lawsuit against them), I recognize that, conscience be damned, sometimes you have to buy things cheaply and you have to buy them from Wal-Mart.

but there is no excuse for the monopolistic shitpile that is Ticketmaster.

yesterday, whilst showering, I was contemplated this devil of a corporation. Seth, Joel and I are planning on going to see Peaches (of F**k the Pain Away fame) in a week and a half. we went online on Tuesday to purchase the tickets from LiveNation - and found that two $18 tickets were going to cost us $54 - with a NINE DOLLAR convenience charge PER TICKET. you may not be aware, but Ticketmaster and LiveNation merged in February - creating the single-largest ticketing powerhouse in the world. Ticketmaster already controlled the sale of tickets for more than 80% of the venues in the U.S.

I still cannot understand how they have weaseled their way into this deal, effectively avoiding federal antitrust law. David Balto, on AmericanProgress.org, summed it up best, as follows. the beast that is Ticketmaster & LiveNation now:

• sells most of the concert tickets in this country through its contracts with venues
• manages a significant number of the marquee performers in the world or controls their tours
• owns most of the amphitheatres in the US and owns more 'club' venues, as well as controlling (through owning/leasing) a large amount of other clubs and theatres
• owns two of the major resellers of tickets
• owns various sources of competitively sensitive data

so basically, unless the only live music you're into is listening to that homeless guy play his 25-year-old broken Fender Strat in Davis Square on a Sunday afternoon, you're pretty much screwed. I still can't even fathom where Ticketmaster gets off charging YOU $2.50 to print a ticket ON YOUR OWN PRINTER, USING YOUR OWN INK. not to mention the "facilities fee," which, I assumed, the club just made by overcharging you for booze. they now lump all the fees together into a simple "convenience charge," which they say is to pay for the convenience of finding tickets from your home computer, rather than standing in line at box offices, like they did in the days of yore. but here's the thing - running that online system doesn't cost Ticketbastard ANYTHING. it has boosted their profits tenfold to sell tickets online to anyone, anywhere. and now they've been caught with sending customers to TicketsNow, a so-called ticket "reseller," seconds after tickets are put up for sale on Ticketmaster, and charging huge markups. it seems like the rape will never end.

I won't be going to half as many shows as I used to. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the new House of Blues fucking sucks.