why I need to stop drinking.

(yes, that's me. with a budzilla. I don't want to talk about it.)

I could basically write a tome about all the reasons I need to cut back on my alcohol consumption. if you know me, you know that I drink (and often cuss) like a sailor. I'm a firm believer that everyone has a "kicker" substance, something that once they try it, they find it's the perfect fit, and don't ever want to stop. some people, unfortunately, find that to be heroin. I would say a good lot of people are content with weed. for me, liquor was it. at age 15, I knew I would be imbibing spirits for the rest of my life.

this affinity for hooch has made me notorious for being, well, a total lush. I am consistently named in online surveys as the "friend you drink with." and I was proud of that. for a while.

you see, now that I'm out in the "real world," I drink every day. it used to be that I'd spend the weeknights studying, or, when I was living with my parents, watching TV and passing out at 10 pm. since I've moved in with the Stairmaster, life has been all rainbows and pinot grigio. more often than not, I can't remember how I ended up in bed when I wake up the next morning.

in no way has this problem manifested more than DRUNKEN FACEBOOKING. oh yeah, you all know what I'm talking about. I've found recently that I've left messages:

- yelling at people for not watching movies with me (?)
- incessantly asking people for their addresses to send them invites to the WEEEDDDINNGGG (gross)
- outwardly making fun of family members (okay, moderately funny)
- giving very poor reasons whilst trying to explain why I didn't call someone on their birthday (I suck)
- admitting that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and cry incessantly (crap)

and of course, many of these sad attempts at communication were, you know, misspelled.

there's nothing really quite as mortifying as alcohol-related guilt. maybe when you were stoned you said some dumb things, but mostly, your statements were just insanely obvious, slowly vocalized, and bookended by giggles. on cocaine, everything you said was so brilliant, so genius when you thought of it, it amazed you. although most likely, whoever you were talking to wasn't listening, because they were just wishing you would shut the hell up, because you thought you were so goddamn smart when really you were just reiterating something you heard on that stupid wolf blitzer show.

but the whole not knowing what you said thing is really scary. the internet leaves, essentially, a click-trail for you to follow, read the insanity you typed, and gasp in horror. it was a lot simpler when all you had to do was assume you left some slurred message on your friend's answering machine, and call them with a half-assed apology, while remaining once removed from your moronic comments.

so I have to stop drinking. not because I'm missing work, or because I'm on my fourth dui. not because it's bad for my liver, not because it makes me beat the children. but because of the internet.

desperate guys never had a chance with me.

some of you may or may not know that I met my fiance on craigslist. true story. it was a chance encounter that turned out, luckily, to be awesome, but just as easily could have been disastrous. that's why I find it quite funny to read the insanity that is "men seeking women." it reminds me how lucky I am to not be dating anymore. seriously, these guys are real pieces of work. for every one guy that is genuinely looking for a relationship, there are probably 30 men who are pathetic, entirely narcissistic or just plain dumb.

so check out these beauties I found today.


You: Like Horror Flix,Metal,House/Trance...love to hit the gym, like tattoo's cuz I have a few. (tasteful not obnoxious) Ready to do anything on a moment's notice, caring, not into games, ready to cut to the chase, sense of humor, look fab in a bikini and oh yeah..you are financially independent. I am not set on anyone one thing but like my women who take of themselves(tanning,gym etc) and have a brain to go with it.

"Ready to do anything on a moment's notice"... oh, so you mean, unemployed and without hobbies? I like how this guy uses "ready to cut the chase" as a euphemism for "easy." Also, it's hard to be brainy when you spend all your time in a tanning bed and on the elliptical.


this here gem comes from a man four years away from being a senior citizen:

Would you like to go to dinner and a movie, then back to your place or mine and just lie down and cuddle, hug, kiss and be together? I would.

I wouldn't, jackass.


a young man from Allston boasts about himself to impress you:

As for how I look, you will not be disappointed. I work out a lot, and am very cut, with abs. Please do not be overweight, and if you think your way too good for Craigslist, then you should be emailing me. Again, this is with no strings attached unless you want some strings in there.

if you think you're way too good for Craigslist, then you shouldn't be ON CRAIGSLIST, MORON.


I am impressed by this young gentleman's honesty:

i have an addiction to coffee so if your the type of girl who likes to go out to one of those cafe coffee shop type places, i just might have to tag along. maybe i'll even try one of those fancy type things they sell like lattes or whatever they are called. I went to one the other day and it was pretty cool. One thing i really hate is shaving. so if you like guys to be clean cut all the time, sorry. i'm gonna have a bitchin' beard someday.

you made it to 2009 and you don't know what the fuck a LATTE is? oh, and thanks for sharing that story about your magical journey to a coffee shop. really interesting. glad to know you hate shaving - hopefully, then, you wouldn't expect any woman you date to shave either. hairy armpits for everyone... bitchin'! he goes on:

another thing i should throw out there is the fact that i do not go to school. schools not for me at the moment. i do have some semesters under my belt and i will return at some point, but not right now. i also do not have a car at the moment because i crashed into a telephone pole during a snowstorm earlier this winter. i'm just waiting til the spring to buy a new one. enough of me rambling on.
right now i'm just hanging out drinking coffee, watching sportscenter waiting for the news at noon.

at least you admit that you don't go to school or have a car, and nobody's going to have to waste their time going on a date with you only to find out that you are pretty much useless. I'm also really enamored with the way he said he was going to stop rambling, and then rambled on for another whole sentence about nothing, which also served to indicate that he also doesn't appear to have a job, since he can sit around watching sportscenter all afternoon. FAIL.


I had to read this four times before I even understood it:

am still single guy looking four a girl its hard too go talk to the kinda girls i like becouse am sum what shy am a chill guy how like to hang out watch movies music mostly rock metal sum bules little rap polish hip hop any kind music if i like it drink sum what party play vid game hang with freinds play my guitor i paint drow no fake or made up online girls how say come talk to me on this site i will not go to that site i wanna talk to u here on this site am looking four girls that live close by to me am a cancer sign am 23, 58 polish&irish i was born here live here my hole life pluse too find a little hottie girl only if u girls have pic & phone number so i can call u so send them am four real am a nice guy as u can tell please girls dont wast my time

I'm sure none of you people who made it past the fourth grade can even get what he's trying to say, so I'll decode all you need to hear:

I am for real (despite the fact that I can't differentiate between a conjunction and a number). I am a nice guy, as you can tell. please girls, don't waste my time.

don't worry, I'm sure after you waste everyone else's time as they try to decode your giant run-on sentence catastrophe, they won't bother.